Yay! The Media's New Health Plan

Is there anything we can't do while brushing our teeth?

With the help of the Media in January 2024, I am enlightened to how much time I've wasted... for years. While standing, motionless, save for the energy I've expelled crossing the front and back of my teeth with the toothbrush plus the occasional dig around the inside of my mouth, I had no idea I was whittling away minutes, hours, days of my life, that I could have enhanced.

According to my maths: 2 mins twice a day = 4 mins. 4 mins x 365 days = 1,460 mins. I'm actually scared while I work this out. That's already 24 hours a year!

Simple maths from here... I've been just brushing my teeth for 52 days over the course of my life. Only brushing my teeth. What a waste.

Well. Now I know what I've missed out on:

• Lunging

• Squating

• Centering

• Stretching

• Calf raising

• Meditating

• Listening to educational podcasts

• Learning a language

• Exercising my face

• Deep breathing

So, if I've got this right, if I'd been in the know, I would:

• have thighs of steel

• be able to walk in a straight line when drunk

• co-ordinate all parts of my body

• feel as peaceful as Buddha

• top the local pub quiz regularly

• speak upwards of 3 new languages

• have cheek bones like Audrey Hepburn

• and the cardio capacity of an Olympian sprinter

Well. I haven't. And now I'm feeling quite depressed about it. And I'm annoyed that people in the media have made me feel like this.

I see brushing my teeth as an activity that, in itself, is far more worthy than the unlikely outcomes of the above. And...

• I never dread going to the Dentist

I don't need the media making me feel guilty standing still for 2 minutes. It's annoying!

Disclaimer: The author holds makes no apologies for any mathematical errors. If you get the gist, it's irrelevant.