What is the appropriate etiquette around burping in public?

I was in such a lovely place. Somewhere people chat, work on laptops during the day and settle early hunger pangs with pizzas, made on-site, in the early evening. It was one of those rare spaces that feels tranquil even when it’s buzzing.

Outside, darkness had spread without me noticing. I looked up from my screen, stretched my neck and released a small sigh of satisfaction when…

A man, seated slightly to my left, released an unapologetic belch.

It hung like an omen, filling the air with the resonance of his belly’s receipt, delivered without care. It was an intestinal, guttural growl that cut through my peace.

I was entirely unprepared for it.

It was disgusting.

Nobody else appeared to flinch. Surely they noticed. You couldn’t not notice. And yet the communal space seemed to absorb the noise as if it were just another background sound.

I, meanwhile, sat there wondering whether something had just gone really very socially wrong!

Surely, at least acknowledge the unsavoury episode? A quick “sorry”. A hand over the mouth. Some small signal that the person responsible understands they’ve briefly dragged the private workings of their body into a shared space.

Because, I believe, places like these run on quiet agreements. I’ll tolerate your keyboard tapping if you tolerate my sighing. I won’t comment on your phone call if you don’t broadcast your digestive system.

It’s probably fair enough that he couldn’t help the expulsion of gas, but I’m not asking for much... Just the bare minimum acknowledgement that some things belong to the body, not the room.

It’s not just annoying, it’s unforgivable.

Whose right of way is it anyway?

Is it who is bigger?

Is it who has more legs?

Is it who will find it harder to stop?

Who has right of way between a runner and a pair of ponies on a narrow path?

Running is my meditation and medication. And I'm lucky to be able to run out my door into wide open spaces; up hills for the views and down hill back home. However, there are also some narrow bits, room only for one relatively large animal, to get through. And it's in one of these where I find myself...

I'm in running gear. I have my Garmin recording - I kind of look like I'm running for a reason. They are in their riding gear. They have their ponies under them - they are stationary.

So, when they see me from their end of this slim, single file, path and I'm coming, at pace, from my end, and not keen to stop... how is it correct that the two plodding pony people decide to move off towards me, just as I arrive? Do they have right of way? Are these the rules?

I'll be honest. I don't think they are the rules! And I don't think that, just because pony and rider have more moving parts to coordinate than me, that I have to give way.

It was quite obvious that we were not going to squeeze past each other between a stone wall and a spiky hedgerow.

Why didn't they just wait? It would have taken me a shorter time to get down the path and past them, than it did for them to 'slow mo' towards, and eventually, pass me. Or maybe...

They could have trotted. Really... They could just have trotted.

I like to run on PBs. And this morning I had to loop back the way I came to keep momentum while they lumbered by. The episode set me back the best part of 50 seconds off a record I'll never know about.

That's no way to start the day.

It's annoying.

Calling All Parenting Experts

Expert’ definition: a person who is very knowledgeable about or skilful in a particular area.

Well, that just about covers around 19.5 million families with living parents in the UK. That's an awful lot of people!

My question is, how does 'Sarah' claim to be a 'Parenting Expert'? Her google strapline reads: ‘... a parenting expert… but definitely not a perfect parent!’

Who wants to hear advice from someone about the most precious things in our world, our children, who admits to being short of perfect?

I was listening to a call-in radio show discussing apps that track children - a subject that can divide people but generally, we know, as parents, that we are doing our best. We would be grateful for the intervention if we had children who needed tracking.

I don't mind parenting-help forums, literary mothering aids or live communities where we can find affirmation for the problematic stages our children face.

I would be terrified if I didn't have my partner or other close friends to share the potentially catastrophic errors I've made with multiple over-reactions, wrong assumptions and indulgent apologies projected onto our children.

And I reckon, every single parent is a 'parenting expert' of their own children.

But, apparently, there are acclaimed people who know even more. And, as I listened to the radio, I wondered what Self-proclaimed Parenting Expert 'Sarah' has over us…

Is she a façade - selling a disingenuous portrayal of parenting, allowing her to sell an idealised image of parenthood? Has she read more books than us or attended more parental workshops? Perhaps she has heightened knowledge about other parents’ decisions.

The question still remains: What defines a true expert in the realm of parenting?

To find out, I asked my AI friend what credentials a 'parenting expert' has over an everyday parent.

Education and Training

AI Expert: Psychology qualification and CBT training

Parent:

• staying up many nights sympathising, rationalising and soothing hundreds of worries.

• having one or multiple children and working with their thoughts, feelings and behaviours.

Professional Experience

AI Expert: Working with families/Consulting & Research

Parent:

• analysing and making mental notes from a range of diverse discussions about other people’s families.

• holding onto our true parenting wisdom gained through the messy, unfiltered experiences of raising children.

• 
  

Training in Specific Parenting Techniques

AI Expert: Research-backed programs designed to improve parent-child interactions

Parent:

• what on earth is navigating teenage years if it isn’t specific parent-child interaction!

Certification

AI Expert: The letters following their names after a few days or a couple of years' training

Parent:

• unwritten accreditation that you earn a life-time achievement for the 18 years you’re involved in EACH of your children’s lives.

Affiliation

AI Expert: Membership with other experts

Parent:

• attending multiple coffee-meets, alcohol-fests with fellow parents and friends sharing methods tried and tested, old and new.

Publications and Media Experience

AI Expert: Books, Social Media Profiles

Parent:

• who has time for this? Possibly those not parenting.

• 
  

Specialist Knowledge

AI Expert: Special needs

Parent:

• for goodness sake, who’s child is not special?

• and which parent is not aware of their children’s special needs.

• 
  

Finally, just as our children experience their own parents, I don't hear them call themselves 'Experts in being Parented'.

So, let us cast aside the illusion of expertise and embrace the authenticity of our own experiences as the ultimate guide on this remarkable journey called parenthood.

I rest my case. I feel I have done us ‘Everyday Parents’ justice here. Nobody needs a bloody parenting expert!

It’s annoying