Pilates from the front

This is not a story about people farting... It's funnier!

I don't know what it is about Pilates, I just cannot stick to doing it.

I can't figure out if I find it boring, ineffectual or that I'm so inflexible that frankly, I'll be in a chair with a straw before the beneficial effects reach any part of me that's still of any use.

Do you actually believe it when they say you can sweat doing it? I don't!

I just can't commit to it. You know, do it regularly, forever. I know this because each time I've come away from half completing a bank of 5 sessions, my reluctance to sign up for more says it all.

I'm not that bad. I can do the basics: legs up, down, side-to-side, lying on the mat, unintentionally half-way off the mat; now working with flexi band, now without flexi band - because it has pinged off somewhere - and there it is. I'm mortified. I crawl on my hands and knees across the room to find it strapped across someone's face.

Maybe it's because I struggle to do it with other people in the room.

I could do it at home... I'd make a plan, write it into the calendar so then it becomes the law: ‘Tuesday & Thursdays, 6.30pm Pilates with Janice on-line’

Nope! Absolutely no chance. The guilt of not making it to my exercise mat each Tuesday at 6.30pm would be terrible. At least when I don't get in my car to go to a class, I can forgive myself because it's too cold, too far, too boring and I'm probably not doing it properly anyway.

Which annoys me!

It annoys me that such tiny, tiny movements can cause me such difficulty. And it annoys me that I'm expected to mimic the bendy athlete at the front of the room who is probably into their fifth hour of pushing their pelvis into the floor that day.

And I'm not the only one who isn't a contortionist in the room, by the way. I'm in good company with others suffering from early onset of Riga mortis.

Nope! I've decided. Pilates isn't for me. It annoys me.

I wasn't alone one week...

It was towards the end of the session. We'd completed the mat work pretty badly and it was time to centre ourselves on our feet. So, as we duly stood on one leg I really tried to concentrate. I was going for a Personal Best, trying to beat 2 minutes and 10 seconds.

But I was thinking more about how the instructress simply looked like she wouldn't fall over even if she was pushed, like a weeble wobble. You know, those little plastic toys with round bottoms that, whichever way you push them over, they kind of spring back up?

Anyway, we were utterly rubbish at 'centering' on one leg. Literally falling every which way without bouncing back up. And for the third week running of being passively aggressively scolded and advised to practice standing on one leg while brushing our teeth to improve our centering, one of the ladies put her hand up from the middle of the room.

'Ummm,' she offered, controlling herself, 'I'm a dental hygienist and would prefer it if people actually concentrated on brushing their teeth rather than standing on one leg. I find many patients too busy lunging, centering or squatting to do justice to the job of simply standing for 2 minutes with a toothbrush.'

Brilliant!

I'll forgive her for ruining my chance of a PB that time as I was more compelled to applaud her, which I did, with two legs firmly on the ground. For Goodness sake - I was never going to manage clapping on one leg!

She also inspired me to write a separate blog 'Yay! The Media's New Health Plan'.

My stand with the dental hygienist: don't interfere with my teeth-brushing.

It's annoying.

Thanks, lovely lady!