Leaf Blowing

Here's the picture: Autumn winds have strewn every leaf from the trees, whether in your garden or not, all over your lawn. And you're wondering how to clear them before they rot, killing the new grass beneath, damaging the look of your lawn for the next year.

I get it.

Let's go back to the middle of September when you're literally dreaming of the last cut you need to make of the grass that is forever growing on your lawn.

After, what? 20 weeks of mowing... every week - that could be the best part of 300 hours - (maths: 20 x 30mins... yeah. That's at LEAST 300 hours!) without fail; And there's no skipping a week because we all know that mowing the lawn eliminates any worries about anyone noticing the difference between flowers and weeds in the borders.

A mown lawn makes the garden look trim, approachable, enjoyable. In fact, it's really the only thing we need to do well... in the garden.

Fast forward to the end of November. Looking out of the window; sensing the grass dying beneath the weight of the fallen leaves and for the reasons I've already surmised, you need a solution. A quick solution.

YES! A leaf blower!

WHY????? (I ask myself)

Begin with the noise they make. It's annoying.

It's not a consistent purr, rumble or whirring sound that could settle as white noise in the brain.

It's not a joyous 'revving' helping soothe Summer's exit and Autumn's entrance.

It's not an acceptable replacement for the low drumming of rotor-blades under a lawnmower working hard to please.

It's like listening to my neighbour's chronic music, playing really loudly, intermittently, as the music's volume is turned up full and down to silence, at irregular intervals... for hours!

Oh and it takes hours. HOURS! And the reason why it takes hours to collect leaves off the lawn is because...

When the leaves are wet, they don't 'blow' and when they're super dry, they blow absolutely everywhere: left, right... behind you... back to where you've just blown them from - not to mention the ones still suspended in the air still to land in any of the designated places already mentioned.

So, why would you use a leaf-blower??

It's not for me to tell you how best to look after your lawn, God forbid! But, honestly? Save your anxiety, save your money. Ask yourself: Why am I not using a rake and making use of those IKEA bits that I never put into the shelving system to scoop up leaves?

Because you're using a leaf blower!

It's pointless and annoying.

Disclaimer: The author holds no responsibility for any mathematical errors so long as it is used to enhance her point. Which it does in this instance.

A Jolly time for a Jubilee

A Jolly Day for a Jubilee

It had been a weekend of mass celebrations for the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee and one town went all out. They took over the entire high street to celebrate with every resident and their family.

As my company was engaged in making the event look fabulous, setting up props, dressing the high street with bunting and flags, I was personally responsible for anchoring the many wooden planters I had purposefully built, laden with red, white and blue flowers.

All the great and good attended.

Street artists and magicians swooped between the tables and chairs, seeking out the younger enthusiasts. Local celebrity musicians filled the centre stage, meeting the musical needs of every generation taking turns with high-brow stand-up comedians in making most people feel uncomfortable.

But no moment was more important than the meeting of the Mayor from the twinned French town with his other half, the Mayor of this town. Their solid handshakes helped everyone feel at ease again.

Many were reluctant to leave the street party and return home with half eaten celebration vol-au-vents, bits of baguette soaked in coronation chicken and mushy Queen of Puddings.

But it was my job to revert the party back to the high street. And my responsibility was de-rigging the picket fencing attached to planters around the VIP area. A small gathering was sitting with the town Mayor.

I remember I was on my knees, electric screw-driver in hand being as discreet as possible, releasing the planter from the fencing when I realised the Mayor was addressing me. He was curious. And, of course, as a female with electric tools in her hands, I am a curiosity.

Anyway, we talked a bit about what I did. And I answered “Yes” to the questions about how I build planters. “No” to questions about them being too heavy. “Yes” to it being hot work in the Summer. It was a fairly predictable chat. One that I don’t think he would have had with a bloke but, that’s okay. I’m happy to oblige. His companions seemed interested. And this was the Mayor, so I wanted to be polite.

We compared our work wear: him wearing a heavy gold chain over his very blue, soft-looking fabric, long coat and me in my hard boots and Hi-Viz top. I thought we were getting along famously. We were laughing and everything.

But then, he asked, “Does your boss allow you to wear those shorts?”

My shorts were appropriate for the day that was basked in sunshine and gloriously warm. They were appropriate for my physical work, and I was the boss.

Without thinking, I replied: “At least I didn’t come out in my dressing gown!”

He annoyed me.

List of Annoyance

This will be literally just that - a running list of things people do that annoy me. I will continually update it. Most incidents need no further explanation!

• People who expect me to do lunges while I'm brushing my teeth

• People who buy 4x4 SUVs but won't drive them through puddles

• People who call other people skinny

• People who call themselves nutritionists because they can survive on pills and powders

• People who sit and wait at roundabouts until someone crosses them from the right even when it's clear

• People driving any car who think they're driving a bus

• People who mention mental health and their children in the same breadth as a badge of honour

• People who say 'I love a podcast'

• People who do not play tennis, but continue to do so

• People who drive in the third lane of a four lane motorway while all lanes are clear, maintaining 40mph

• People who ask me if I want 'help' with using my power tools

• People who pretend they're not competitive on Strava

• People who steal my local legend crowns on Strava

• People who leave full doggie poo bags hanging in trees

• People who send unsolicited emails and then follow up with another email insisting I respond

• People who put their rear fog lights on when it's raining

• People who expect me to know who they're talking about when using their child's pet name